So true

How to defend yourself against Ninjas

I have been getting a lot of e-mail from people that have unsuccessfully encountered ninjas and want tips on how to defend themselves in the future, if such encounters should occur again.

There is rarely a second chance when encountering ninjas. However, as you may or may not know, I have ninjas camping out on my front lawn, and I have been able to avoid any serious confrontations.

I leave snacks for them, but that's besides the point.

You are probably well aware, but you can't outrun a throwing star. You just can't. It's scientific.

If you want to stand a chance, you should follow these instructions:

1) Avoid heavily populated Ninja areas. Although chance encounters may happen.

2) Carry snacks with you. Despite what you've heard, Ninjas do not earn what they used to. They tend to enjoy rice cakes and snickers bars.

3) Run a Z formation....and duck


Hope this was helpful

Caution Signs

I am currently writing the Canadian government to have signs like these placed in areas frequented by ninjas. I know they will not eliminate the problem, but I think the number of casualties would drop if people were made aware. I currently have one placed on my lawn, where ninjas have been camped out for more than four weeks.

This could be the last thing you see

Ninja attacks are commonly surprise attacks. Always be on your guard!

First response

Tonight I recieved a heartwarming responce from young lady that had her family killed by Ninjas in Japan and had to relocate to Canada to escape the tragedy.

This is common for Victims of Ninja attacks. A new location is often a promise of a new life.

Don't be fooled. Ninja groups have modernized and often follow their victims internationally. I have dealt with them camped out on my lawn for three and a half weeks now. Share your stories.

Ninjas in Popular Culture

First of all, I find it appalling that Ninjas have been glamourized in our culture to appear heroic. Despite the fact that Ninjas have been camped out on my front lawn for almost three weeks, and they seem to survive on the rice cake scraps that I provide for them, I am disheartened that they have been romanticized in Hollywood.

These are not true Ninjas:



Real Ninjas disregard Pizza when you leave it for them on your front lawn as a peace offering.

This is not a true Ninja:



He had some great lines in Tommy Boy....but he does not have the skills of a Ninja. He died of opiate (morphine) and cocaine intoxication and his death was determined to be an accident. The 'living in a van down by the river' thing still gives me a chuckle though.

This is not a true Ninja:



WTF.

How to spot a Ninja

I've had Ninjas camped out on my front lawn for about two and a half weeks now. However, it is important to correctly identify a Ninja when you encounter one. The following image should prove helpful in determining what a Ninja might look like:

Ninja sightings in Ontario

Besides having a group of Ninjas camped out on my front lawn, I have heard of Ninjas in the following areas:

Milton, Ontario
Dundas, Ontario
Little Britain, Ontario
Tecumseh, Ontario

Please inform me of any Ninja sightings

Welcome

First of all, I want to say that you're not alone. Many people have been the victim of a Ninja attack. They may have killed your teacher, your family, or perhaps camped out on your front lawn. Your sensai may have been murdered in an act of revenge against you. Whether you have meddled in their business or not, you are essentially the victim of a Ninja related crime. Many people have been affected by Ninja brutality.

Please be advised that this is not group that plans and asserts revenge of any nature. It is simply a place for Victims of Ninjas to share their stories and cope with distress related to such encounters.

Don't be ashamed. Ninja attacks effect 1 in 1200 Canadians.

Share your stories. Share your wisdom.